would I go?

I tried to imagine myself among the twelve men Jesus called and then sent in chapter 10 of the gospel of Matthew. As I read the scriptures, I pictured myself standing among them, hearing these instructions for the first time with them. I then wondered how I would receive His instructions today, in the world I inhabit, in the Church as it is today. What follows are my thoughts as I read chapter 10 as though I am standing with the twelve. In all fairness though, these are not just my own thoughts. I have heard the same kind of thoughts expressed by others, so I can’t take all of the credit (or the rap) for what follows.

“Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons.” (v.8)  What if it doesn’t work? What if I don’t have enough faith for that? What if I pray for them and they don’t get healed or come back to life? Then I’ll look like an idiot, and I’ll make people doubt Your power.

“Do not take any gold or silver…take no bag for the journey or extra tunic or sandals…” (v.9-10) No provisions? No money? That doesn’t seem very prepared to me. What if there’s an emergency? How can I wear the same clothes the whole time? Is it wise to depend on the generosity of the people we are being sent to?

“Be on your guard..they will hand you over…and flog you.” (v.17) WHAT?? I could get hurt? This could be dangerous? I could be arrested and put in some foreign prison? Isn’t there some other, less dangerous way to do this?

“All men will hate you…when you are persecuted, flee…” (v. 22-23) I don’t want people to hate me. I work very hard to make sure people like me. And I can’t run very fast. Seriously. I can’t.

“Do not  be afraid of those who kill the body  but cannot kill the soul.” (v.28) Don’t be afraid? I’m already afraid. I was afraid when you said “flog”. Now you’re saying I might die. I don’t know about this. I have a family to think about. I have to consider them in this decison.

“Anyone who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.” There must be some other meaning to that statement.

“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” (v.39) I don’t know. This all sounds extreme. I’m going to have to pray about this. You can’t make this kind of commitment without a lot of prayer and counsel. I need to be wise and figure out if I am really being called to do something this radical.

I wonder. If Jesus chose 12 of us today, how many of us would still be standing there at the end of His instructions? Would there be one who would say “Here I am. Send me.”?

We don’t know what those disciples were thinking or feeling.  What we do know is this. Because of the commitment of the early followers of Jesus, you and I received the good news. The willingness of a few to lay down their lives for Christ completely changed the world. We also know that the world still needs to hear about Jesus.

As I put myself among them, hearing the instructions Jesus sent them out with, I marvel at their courage. And I am inspired by their love for the One sending them. I am also very aware that I don’t really know if I would have remained standing there. I need to search my heart, and examine the strength of my love and commitment to Jesus and the radical way of life that comes with being His follower. And then I need to get at His feet and ask Him to strengthen that in me that feels so weak at the moment.

I should probably also stop trying to figure out just how much a flogging would hurt. I think I may be obsessing.

6 thoughts on “would I go?

  1. Linda, I think it is my own biggest fear as well. And I think you’re right. My own doubt is the problem. God doesn’t need me to make Him look good. Perhaps I need for my faith to look good in the eyes of others, and if there is a chance it won’t…I step back.

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  2. I think it is with verse 8 and your questions that I most identify. The pain and the suffering, the facing death for Him, the going out without any money and just the clothes on my back, I’m pretty sure I could do. But it’s the praying and trying to heal and having it not work that I fear. “Then I’ll look like an idiot, and I’ll make people doubt Your power.” I think that is my biggest fear, that what I do will cause others to doubt His power. But perhaps it is my own doubt that is the problem. Definitely something to think about. Peace, Linda

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  3. You have to consider that all they had heard about Jesus had come from what appeared to be a ‘homeless rag-a-muffin” John the Baptist. Now that said, would we have even believed what John was telling us about this man from Nazereth, in today’s world. great post kiddo. I keep remembering all of the times we saw what looked like ‘bums’ walking around with sandwhich boards declaring “Repent, the end is near’, when we were kids. Well I have only seen one or two in person, the rest were on the news or some t.v. show. How easy it was for us to dismiss them as lunatics. Much the same way as John was in preparing the way for the Lords first coming.

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    • We know that at least several of the ones He called had already been following Him. They are the ones I have been previously writing about. They had seen Him heal, do miracles, save them from the storm, preach and teach. Now they were ready to be sent. I too know Jesus from first hand experience of walking with Him, as do most of the Church that I am in contact with. But I wonder how many of us today (myself included) would go, given His instructions to the 12.

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